To the Girls Running Around in Women's Clothing

So, a few days back I took a run at the boys, and it seems only fair to do the same to all these little girls running around in women's clothing.  And, I say that if you take offense (like I heard so many males did with my post, that it's okay, because I'm uncovering your shit if you get offended), then you had better take a good long look at what you're doing and consider a tweak (not a twerk) or two.

The only reason I feel safe in calling you on shit is because I call myself out all the time, and I am always open to being called out by others.  It is where true growth begins (and I wish people would have done it sooner rather than later in my life, but I am sure glad it's happened).  I have been "that girl" and I want to help prevent "those girls".

You see, I consider myself a later bloomer.  I finally started coming into my own around then and setting some really healthy boundaries in my life about what is, or is not, acceptable in my life.

So here's the deal,  grow up!

From about 20 forward we all start to settle into our new brains and this is an admonishment to pay attention sooner rather than later.  Trust me, you will be so grateful that you have done yourself that favor.

Unfortunately, life, and in particular for women, hands real curveballs in the form of mental and physical abuse (and yes this happens to males too, and far more often than, unfortunately, males want to admit and its part of what gets in the road for them these days too).  It messes with a head.  And it goes something like this.

If we are among the abused, whether it is physically or emotionally, it is what we get used to at a young age.  We learn that being treated like crap is the only way we feel we deserve.  Wrong answer!

As a little girl, I was one of the abused, and from the time I was 5 until 8, I never used my voice to tell someone what was going on.  I carried it with me until I was around 22, when I finally told my mom.  It fucked with my head.  Add to this a deemed, on my part, emotional abandonment when puberty kicked in, and enter daddy/men issues.  Add to this all those fluffy movies that urge us to look for our Prince Charming who will come in and save the day, and you have yourself one hell of an emotional mess.

But eventually, through time, and experience (some good, and some not so), I brought nyself to a place of womanhood where the only person I looked to save me is ME!!!!!

Listen up ladies, nobody is responsible for your happiness but you.  I get that when we enter into a relationship we have asked our Prince Charming to save the day for us, but it's not very fair if we put that on them now, is it?  NO!

The abused becomes sexualized or demoralized (verbally) and feels that sex, or being verbally abused, is the only way we can get someone to love us.  And, as we get older, we start to shift into that space where we recognize that sex doesn't bring us emotionally closer.  Getting closer emotionally brings us to sex.

We can't run around putting out and expecting a different result if we haven't set the standard first.  We all are a privilege not a right.  But because us ladies tend to run around in our "daddy issues", we wreak havoc on everyone else's life.

NOBODY IS GOING TO SAVE YOU BUT YOU!  Time to put on your cape and become your own superhero!

So, here's what it looks like if you want to have happy, healthy relationships, with men and women alike. (Insert this is a really, REALLY good article for young folks, and so is the previous one as far as I'm concerned).

1)  Stop dressing like your 16, and dress your age (and if you're 16, try dressing like a lady.  Sexy is a confidence space, not a slutty clothes space - insert there is nothing wrong with dressing sexy, but there's a difference between slutty and sexy).  Guys see tits and ass and that's how they are going to see you.  Show them your brains, your talents (outside the bedroom), and what values you hold dear in your life.

2)  Stop putting out after the first, second, or third date and beyond.  Hell, my husband didn't get there until we were three months in and he had been screened by friends and family (I had to learn to trust my judgment).  A space of intimacy is truly "into me see".  You can't tell what someone is like even after three months, but you sure can get a general idea.  And, if you are knowingly walking into a one night stand, don't you dare for one minute think that because you have put out the guy is going to change his mind.  This RARELY works, and you have just set yourself up for selling yourself short.

3) Start getting to know you.  What do you like?  What don't you like?  What do you value in yourself?  Another person?  A relationship?  What talents do you have?  What are your strengths?  What are your weaknesses?

4)  Don't think that getting yourself knocked up is going to keep a man.  Trust me, it rarely ever works and now you are left with a tie to someone that doesn't love you.  Sound like fun?  Whether you are 14 or 45, it DOESN'T work!  And stop saying, "I accidentally got pregnant".  All of the tools to prevent pregnancy are available to anyone!  You got yourself knocked up for your own selfish reasons without any forethought to the implications and longstanding impact.

5)  You have the right to say, "No", to anything or anyone that devalues you.

6)  Stop being so bloody nice!  If there are unacceptable behaviors going on in yourself, or others, speak up!  We don't have to be the mothers and wives of yore who put up with it because the man makes the money.  We are no longer cattle and should no longer allow others to treat us as such.  If you are out on a first or second date, and you are getting bad vibes....RUN!  Unless, of course, you want a life lesson, which can be valuable too, but be smart enough to know when someone leaves a sinking/sick feeling in your belly, that's the "bad vibe" and the Universe trying to tell you, "Don't do it unless you want to get hurt."

7)  Start taking responsibility for the choices YOU are making!!  And I have a PRIME example of this in an extended family member.  This young lady got herself knocked up early for the sake of trying to keep a man and has been running to mommy and daddy ever since, or boyfriend du jour, because she can't get her financial shit (or relationship shit for that matter too) together because it's "everybody else's" fault.  (I get it, we have all needed help, and we should be able to turn to family in times of need, but it should not be an EXPECTED space and we should want some drive to handle our own financial matters).  GROW UP!  We all make choices from the time we are little, and it's up to ourselves and our parents to create awareness that our choices land us exactly where we are at.  So stop lying to yourself, lying to others, and take a really, REALLY good look at what YOU are doing to create the situation you are in.

8) Stop selling yourself short!  We (notice WE, not they) are running around allowing society to tell us how we should look, feel or be.  We are all individual beings with our own individual flare.  Some of us are big, some of us are small, and some of us have started not to give a care at all!

This is my wish and hope for you....be yourself, express your needs, and say "No" to anything or anyone that diverts you from your course.

So get your big girl panties on and turn yourself into the Goddess you so rightly deserve to be and stop blaming others for your unhappiness!

Nuf Said!

Change is by Choice and NOT by Chance

Well didn't that summer fly by in all of its craziness!!  I, too, was not immune to the great big Universal push of, "You will sit in your 'work' and rid yourself of the past trauma and drama whether you like it or not".

And on the heels of that, I have decided to hand some "tough love" out to the males of this planet (and those females that are more masculine than feminine).  I have seen too many relationships fall by the wayside (and let me tell you mine came close so this is NOT a 'do as I say, not as I do' moment.  I was in it myself.

Please take in that this is not "man bashing".  Rather, see it as the fact that I love you all enough to show you the way to complete and utter happiness within the state of your relationship.

There are too many boys running around in men's clothing.  And, quite frankly, us ladies have had enough.  We are tired of being emotionally neglected and tired of seeing you walk around with the burden of any past woes that are long gone and over, resting firmly on your shoulders.

It is time to become the "thinking and feeling" man that today's woman requires.  It is time to own that you, too, are feeling beings who have the right to express themselves.  Because listen, it is NEVER about the person, it is ALWAYS about the behavior.

No relationship is ever perfect, (what??!!), but we all have the right to committed and nurturing relationships.  Yes, I  look at my own shit first before I point the finger at somebody else's so don't think I am getting high and mighty here.  Because therein lies the problem that we haven't given you guys the opportunity to embrace.

WE are feeling beings who are very emotionally aware and we are trying to bring out the best in you.  Who cares what your mother, father or neighbor did or didn't do.  Who cares who hurt you in high school, and who gives a flying fuck whether you want to do something or not.   We are BEGGING to be connected in the deepest way possible.  A heartfelt connection.  One that means that you take a good look at your behaviors, see what is or isn't working, how you may be getting in your own road, and what it takes to heal the emotional traumas and dramas of your past.

We have fatherless sons and daughters walking around creating more fatherless sons and daughters.  We have little girls begging for affection from their dads (and yes there are mom's out there like this too), but the majority of the grief being caused is by women who have "grown up" and their men who haven't.

So to you males walking around in your hurt and refusing to reach for the stars and grow, grow, grow, don't you deserve a better life?  We think you do and that's why us ladies are all getting so fed up.  For those that were never shown the way a man should "lead" his household, it looks something like this.

1) Your partner deserves a date.  At LEAST once a week.

2) We work just as much, and sometimes more, than you do.  We typically manage the kids, the house, and a full-time job.  So do yourself a favor, and start adding the little list of things that you will do to say, "I'm committed".  Pick up your socks and put them in the laundry basket, fold your own laundry, and go the extra mile.  If you see the washer cycle completed, do your partner a favor and slide it over to the dryer with a fabric sheet would you.  I'm basically telling you to beat us to the punch.  (Insert I don't care if you make more money than she does, if she is working the same amount of hours she is working just like you are.)  Some of us house illness also.  I, personally do, and while I don't expect anyone to coddle me through a rough day, consider that some of us may walk around in constant pain and could use a "leg up" once in awhile.

3) If you have kids, take time once a week and have some individual time with each of them.  All it takes is an hour or two, and you will notice a difference in your children.

4)  Always look in the mirror.  Could you have handled something a different way?  Could you have "done better"?  Is there something hurting you deep down and you have been afraid to let it out?  Drop the shackles of the caveman and move into your heart.  It's where you'll find us.

5)  Be devoted to investing time in yourself.

6)  Don't take things personally when we are "beating you up".  Use it as fuel for change.  We love you, we are just asking for more from you now.  It is about leveling the playing field.

7)  Get involved with the Universe.  The Other Side really exists.  It's up to you to test the waters.  

We are tired of being "mothers" in our relationships.  And I know that some of you fellows out there have been turned into "daddy's".  Trust me that's the fastest way to take the sizzle out of ANY relationship.

All of us deserve better from each other.  PERIOD.  We can't do it running around in the wounds of our past.  These times call for "better" from each and every one of us.

So, I say this, kudos to each and every male out there that is a "stand up" guy.  The one that does what he says he will do, the ones that sit for hours and let their daughters paint their nails or their sons build railroad tracks (or paint their nails too for all I care), and the ones who have owned their "manship".

For those that have made the choice to "dig deep" for a change, I applaud you.  I cannot THANK YOU enough!

(Insert thank you darling husband for the AMAZING leaps and bounds you have made in your own life. I LOVE YOU with all my heart and I am so glad I get to enjoy this ride with you!)

It's time for each and every one of us to "grow up" now.  The Universe is begging us.  And, if we do, nothing shy of miracles start to occur.....